I was 10, and I was a wood nymph. I was wearing brown leggings and a brown turtleneck, and my mom had taken me to Michael’s to purchase plastic strands of fall leaves to wrap around my arms. I wore shimmering gold lipstick and orange glitter around my eyes, the colors of fall. We had been studying Greek mythology and I had taken a particular interest in the dryads. I was proud of my costume until approximately 8:27 am when anyone other than my mother saw it.
Hi, guys. Here’s an essay I wrote about a guy thinking I was ugly in the middle of an OK Cupid date. Looking for your thoughts as to whether or not you would read a whole book full of funny, semi-advice-giving essays like this IRL and if you would tell your friends about it and if I could get it published and if one day I won’t have student loans anymore. Thanks.
“You don’t have any deformities worth mentioning. I mean, big teeth, but who cares.” - My friend Alan
I had just moved to New York City, and things were going to change for me. I had a fancy new job at a major media company, it looked like my mild-to-moderate adult cystic acne was coming to the end of its two-year residency on my chin and I was generally more excited than I’d ever been in maybe my whole entire life. New York City had been a dream of mine since I could remember, and I was finally leaving Chicago for the bright lights and rich men of the Big Apple.
Maybe I was heading into my fourth consecutive year of being single, but don’t even be sad about that for me. Honestly. I was totally— Listen, it’s not like I couldn’t get a boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I could get a boyfriend. I just hadn’t found anyone who could guarantee me that several nights out with them would be more entertaining or provide me more orgasms than several nights in with the Internet.
"What would Beyonce do?"
Hahahaha I will be asking myself this from here on out. Excellent advice.
solid life advice for all that lifing you do everyday.
Can I hire Edna Mode as my life coach?