On 20/20 Hindsight
“I can laugh about it now,” - Lorena Bobbitt
On Accepting Compliments
Man in elevator: “Not to be weird, but do you always look this nice at the end of the day?”
Me: “No, I just put on a gallon of makeup.”
On Chilling Out
Try calling your problems “problemos.” They’re less serious then.
On Facebook Birthday Wishes
An e-dick goes a long way. That’s one number “8,” as many equal signs as you fancy, and one upper-case “D.”
“If you need moral support, I’ll be there with an IV drip of tequila and a Justin Bieber mixtape,” - my friend Jodi
“You can kiss my whole asshole,” - Jay-Z
Snooki reportedly made $750,000 in 2010.
On Keeping Your Man
One time I liked a guy and I invited him over to help me plant some flowers (not a euphemism). I played one of Robin Thicke’s albums during this occasion. He never called me back.
On Not Having Regrets
“I got to take a month and a half off from school, go hang out with a bunch of hot, cute-ass girls all day—the Bratz—and get paid for it. So, I thought it was awesome. No regrets about the ‘Bratz’ movie. No regrets. Straight up.” - Tom Hank’s son Chet Haze about appearing in the Bratz movie
On Saving Money
This entry is empty.
On Taz Tattoos
Generally not a good idea.
On That Cunt Bitch Alyssia
“Why don’t you fuck off to that cunt bitch Alyssia? She was fucking making eyes at me, she’d have sucked me in five minutes.” - Mel Gibson
On Working Out
Don’t eat a bunch of raisins before you do it. Trust me.
Do you want some advice? Hit me up.